How to Love, Unconvetionally

A hopeless romantic’s guide to fearless love.

When you study some of the greatest love stories of all time, you’ll realise that majority of the featured relationships in those stories were unconventional. From Romeo and Juliet, to Brangelina (pre-divorce), there is a trend of fearlessness in the way they pursued their love. I, and may common people like me, may not e in the history v=books but believe me when I say I haven’t felt love this great and this fulfilling in a while. It’s all because I chose to step out of the box I was in and pursue love with my eyes closed shut.

To summarise my story, I had joined Tinder after breaking up with my baby daddy. Even though I loved him with everything I had, he wasn’t good for me. The reality of co-parenting with such a difficult human being was exhausting, and it still is. However, despite all the pain I went through, I figured making new friends wouldn’t hurt, so what better way to do that than to join a dating app (go figure!). I’d gone on plenty of dates until I eventually narrowed my choices down to two guys, let’s name them Thato and Thoriso. Both men really stood out for me because they each had what I’ve always wanted in a man. The difference was that Thato was a low-key fuck-boy with a drinking problem. I noticed these deal breakers about two months after we met, and I tried to help him out with the drinking problem (which was the root cause of him making not-so-healthy sexual choices) but he felt that he didn’t need help, so I left.

Thoriso is unlike any other guy I’ve been with before in most aspects of life. Initially, he came off as a flirty freak but with time he grew on me and has since shown me a completely different side to him. Getting what I need and giving him what he needs is effortless. I don’t have to think too hard about ways to keep him happy or to improve on how he and I relate, and I believe that is (partly) what love is. People usually say, “love is a lot of work” but I honestly think that’s bullshit. Relationships are where the hard work is found, love just makes them easier to navigate and evolve. We have been together for a long while and it still feels like we’re in the honeymoon phase. The secret? Loving your person fearlessly. Here’s how I did it:

1.Don’t play coy

Nothing great is ever accomplished with comfort. With that in mind, I choose to be upfront with Thoriso about what I wanted and what I was willing to offer in a relationship. I had a no-nonsense approach to putting myself out there, and I guess that’s one of the things he liked about me. Down-playing your requirements is not good because your potential S/O might not take you seriously and may (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt you in the long run. No one wants to be hurt, so don’t be a pussy. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Got a problem with how a situation was handled? Say something! For this point, communication is your ammo, and if you cannot utilise it the relationship is doomed.

2.Stay focussed

This one is all about time. Romantically entertaining one or more people at a time is not only exhausting (you can only go on so many dates until things get boring), but it can sway you from finding what you need. There’s no rush to commit when you aren’t ready, so why not take your time to get to know one person at a time until you’ve found the one you think is the closest to being perfect. You have all the time in the world to fall in love, and there is nothing better than experiencing the full extent of that process, so don’t rush it. if you’re the type to keep your options open, perhaps being in a committed relationship is not for you just yet. the whole idea behind being focussed is not only being aware of what you need (and avoiding what you want) but finding that in one person. That’s beautiful, quote me on that.

3.Beware of cheap imitations

Loving fearlessly can be daunting because you can out your heart out on the line for someone to take care of, but there are chances that they won’t. They may not be upfront about it, but it might happen. You cannot control how people feel about you, but you can control how they treat you. Its in the little things that you’ll notice whether a person is in fact with you. For example, how do your conversations usually go? Are you always initiating conversation? Or worse, are you always the one carrying it out? Does your potential partner check in on you to find out how your day went, and do they listen? Sure, they could give you fire rounds in the sheets and tell you sweet nothing but what are those when you’re still plagued by uncertainty? If they can’t make time for you, even to give a meaningful greeting, know that it wasn’t meant to be, and be wise enough to walk away. Protect your peace and stay woke.

4.Guard your heart

By this, I mean being protective of your emotions when things get rough. You will fight, you will argue, and you may spend some time not liking each other very much. All that is normal. The thing you should bear in mind when things get rough is how you’re going to use your heart, and neither your head nor ego, to fix things. Your heart is what got you to the point of being in love, therefore it should be what will help you stay in love. There is no great love story that is narrated without mentioning some sort of conflict, and it is important that as much as it is important to be considerate of your partner’s feelings, you need to protect your own. A love worth fighting for is one worth keeping, but you must make sure that your heart is in the right place first before you head out to the battlefield.

5.Get closer to the edge, close your eyes and jump

Falling in love is never a planned thing, it just happens. When it does, don’t be afraid. It’s neither weird nor awkward to be in love with someone, therefore there is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel to your partner. After doing things the right way together, and being good to each other, nothing should stop you from saying something. Perhaps he/she is waiting on you to make the first move, so why not? I know of a saying that states, “The first one to say, ‘I love you’ is more in love than the other”. I call BS on that one too. Love is never lopsided if it is reciprocated. Never be afraid to go above and beyond for your person, no matter how silly you think you’ll look because they probably need that as validation of your feelings towards them. In the end, you’ll just be two happy people being corny and cute together. That’s kind of what you want, right?

I’m no expert at this, but I have been through enough scrubs and almost-relationships to know what love isn’t. what I have, with my man, is love personified. I choose to pursue it with all my heart, and I trust that you’ll do the same for your person because there is nothing more fulfilling than seeing your partner’s face when they feel loved. Remember, you were born in love to love and be loved. Therefore, why not go big and be fearless about it?